One morning during the time of my sister’s terminal illness, my phone rang and on the other end was Beth’s weak little voice. She had endured a grueling chemo session the day before and had finally awakened for the day. On the other end of the phone was a plea for companionship. I offered to come and get her and bring her to my house for the day. As I walked in the door I heard moving around upstairs, so I sat down at their kitchen island. Beth had never been in a hurry to do anything, even before her cancer, so I tried giving her both space and time. Even as I type the word time I realize that I had never viewed time as an enemy until then. Every action, every conversation, every plan was framed by the sand spilling grain by grain in our hourglass as time selfishly moved on. I looked around her home as if seeing it for the first time. My eyes fell upon the family portrait that hung perfectly on the wall. Her touches of decorating were evident throughout the family room, representing places they had been and things they had done as a family. Pictures of our family displayed on their piano. My eyes fell upon their bookshelf filled with medical books and nursing resources, books Beth must have thumbed through a million times as a nurse. As I went to the fridge to grab a water bottle, I was looking at all of Sydney’s artwork when my eyes caught a calendar hanging on the side. I glanced at the month and saw where her handwriting had recorded future events…future events…my heart sunk. Would she feel like chaperoning that field trip in the fall? Would she even be here at Sydney’s Christmas break to pick up the fundraiser at the school? Precious appointments…reasons to push through and fight! But among those hopeful appointments, chemo and doctor appointments took front stage on this calendar. I felt myself fighting the tears and the gloomy disposition and realized I needed to refocus. Where was she? What was she doing? How could I offer help without threatening her independence?
Finally, I heard her coming down the steps and she rounded the corner. With life in her eyes and a million dollar smile she walked up with a grateful heart and a tight embrace. How did I allow myself to sink so low as she remained so high in hope and courage? It was a question I would examine continuously throughout this journey. We emptied her nursing tote and filled it with her new arsenal… crackers to settle her stomach, her medication log to know the very moment she could have another pain pill, telephone numbers of doctors, nurses and pharmacies. And of course, the dreaded cell phone…the new appendage that every member of our family attached to ourselves since she was diagnosed. None of us went anywhere without it as if it were a part of our body…it was…it was our lifeline. We packed her up and drove to my home for the day. As I got her settled in the lazy boy in front of the television I felt my stomach growling so I left the room and went into the kitchen. She had been sick most of the morning due to the chemo, so I certainly didn’t want to eat in front of her. I glanced in the den and saw that her eyes were closed and said a little prayer that God would settle on her with comfort, peace and rest. I quietly and slowly opened the pantry door and retrieved a handful of Cheez-Its, our family’s favorite snack. As I was placing the box back on the shelf I heard this little voice straining, ‘What are you up to out there?’ Busted, I sheepishly turned to her with orange crumbs on my mouth and a guilty smile and held the box out to her. She nodded her head and motioned with her little hand for me to join her. We sat there in the room that day and had a talk I will never forget.
There was something on her heart and mind that she needed to say so I settled in for a conversation that echoes in my mind to this day. Over the course of her life, Beth had varied ideas about different philosophies. She always believed in God as her primary religion but entertained different influences, hobbies in part but also in curiosity. She shared about different times in her life when would shift her focus back to God. She stated that every time she would engage with God something bad seemed to happen, so she would abandon the focus. She told me a story about a woman at her previous place of employment, an assisted living facility. This messenger from God gave Beth a book that really took root in her heart. As she focused solely on God and worked in this Bible study, her old fears began rising and the devil pushed the play button again. He reminded her of her horrible track record when she engaged with God. He always convinced her that when she puts her heart out there to God, He is careless with it…those horrible lies from a horrible enemy. With tear-filled eyes she explained to me that this time she had decided to shut down the lies and press through her fears. She began pursuing and loving God and feeling His love returned to her. Desired relationships in her life were emerging and her faith was growing strong. She was extremely active in her church and everyone there loved her gentle ways and willing spirit. God was working on her from the inside out for sure. Then, she turned and looked at me and said, ‘And now this…the worse that could happen has…worse than I had ever imagined.’ I was at a loss of words that morning and had no answer to a question I know will never be answered on earth. But she made peace with her circumstances and was ALL IN regardless of the outcome! While I will never know that answer, I do know our God and He loves fully, rewards greatly and blesses beyond understanding. I believe that He had watched her fear of getting close to Him for years and saw her trade fear for faith and fellowship. He watched her stand up to evil as she removed the power of fear over her life. He called her into the thick darkness like Moses and she ran in towards Him. He witnessed that fighting spirit where she allowed His power to stand up to the powerlessness of Satan…and for her stand the reward would be greater than anything this old earth could give. Only heaven could match the rewards He was ready to lavish upon her. “Therefore I am going to allure her: I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards and make the Valley of Baca [Weeping] a door of hope.” Hosea 2:14:15
There is something very precious and tender about the thought of descending into the thick darkness to commune with God. It is a private and unique place where God will whisper and unveil truths for our lives. If we try to avoid or busy ourselves during our pain and suffering, we may miss the blessings that we can only obtain through our Valley of Weeping. Whatever we may lose in the darkness Christ promises to restore if we trust Him. What suffering depletes…God replenishes; whatever darkness steals…God replaces; whatever is destroyed … God rebuilds; whatever dreams seem dead…God resurrects.
We never spoke of this again, but I believe it was her statement of faith, that at some point in our lives when our fear intersects our faith, faith must be chosen even if it comes with a sacrifice …and boy did it for her…but she whispered, ‘Give me Jesus.’
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