When my oldest daughter was battling the darkest time in her life the only thing we could do was pray. In her emotional pain, she had chosen the life of drugs and rebellion against everything she had been taught. Bruce and I had our other two children to consider and were fearful how this chaos was affecting them. I remember one day thinking that I could no longer sacrifice the good of the family through the decisions of one member. It was at that point she insisted on leaving and we 'allowed' her to go. I believe I actually heard my heart break that day, and my tears became my constant companion. I begged…I cried…I prayed…I didn’t just visit my Garden of Gethsemane…I took up residence there. I remember sending a letter to my extended family members explaining that I needed space… space from conversation…space from responsibility…space from wearing the daily mask I had to hold up. I was exhausted from ‘playing normal’ and for a while I disconnected from life outside the four walls of our home. I was mostly convinced that my remaining days would be lived on my knees in the soil of the garden. Occasionally hope made its way into the garden, but my emotions would tell me to ignore it…hope will only tease…hope will only break your heart again…hope is for other people, other families, and other circumstances.
Finally, after 6 years relief came but not in the way you would think. Relief didn’t come with a resolution to my problem but came with my confidence in God despite my problem. He walked up to me in the garden, placed His hand on my back and said to follow Him…to trust Him…to count on hope. Two years later those same hands that touched my back in the garden touched my daughter’s life on the streets. He called her to Himself and has never missed a day of showing her how much she is loved by Him and what a beautiful plan He has for her. Her response to His pursuit has been a life of sobriety, testimony and service to those trying to break free from their gardens of addiction.
While we are in our gardens of despair, it seems like we will never exit those gates. Our emotions during our seasons of suffering convince us our lives will always be as they are. Our emotions paint dark colors onto our hopes and dreams of our winter ending and the return of summertime. Our emotions taunt us for hoping, and shame us for believing in something better. But we were never meant to live in the garden as Jesus showed us His last day on earth. We were meant to be strengthened in our gardens…to find hope in our gardens…to meet with God in our gardens...and to follow God out of our gardens into both His will and His care.
I’m sure you have had seasons of wintertime when you thought things would never thaw… hearts would always be iced over and frigid. But don’t give up on summertime, because just as God made the seasons, He will make your season change. Continue to look for hope in Him no matter how dark or cold it seems. There is still beauty in the wintertime if we set our hearts on Jesus, fully trusting that we are not residents of the garden but visitors. (Photo credit to Emily Fitchpatrick)
“Blessed be the name of God forever and ever, for wisdom and power belong to Him. He changes the times and seasons. He gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to the discerning. He reveals the deep and hidden things; He knows what lies in darkness, and light dwells with Him" Daniel 2:20-22
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