“Then Jacob made a
vow: If God will be with me and watch
over me during this journey I’m making, if he provides me with food to eat and
clothes to wear, and if I return safely to my father’s family, then the Lord
will be my God.” Gen 32:27
This vow tumbled out of Jacob’s mouth with little
understanding of the impact of his words.
He placed conditions on accepting God as God. He laid out a litany of demands to determine
whether to make God the center of his life.
Little did he know that the manifestation God chose to reveal Himself would
be so physical. “Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him until daybreak…he
struck Jacob’s hip socket as they wrestled and dislocated his hip. ‘What is your name?’ the man asked. ‘Jacob,’
he replied. ‘Your name will no longer be
Jacob…It will be Israel because you have struggled with God and with men and have
prevailed.’ Gen 32:24, 27-28.
A few years ago, I found myself in a situation where God
wanted me to bring a decision to Him. I
didn’t want to and had secretly held the decision at bay in my heart for a long
time. The circumstances that I had
dreaded came to pass, and it was time to make a decision. I remember at the time I was going to Belize
with work and Bruce was unable to go with me.
I specifically remember that trip well, as I never cracked open the
Bible for 7 days. My brief prayers were
words for others and conspicuously neglected to include myself. The Bible study I had brought remained unopened
and didn’t even unpack my companions…pens, highlighters and the computer. I didn’t want to hear from Him because in my
heart I already knew the answer. As long
as I didn’t pray about it and connect with His spirit, it wasn’t yet disobedience,
right? I wanted God on my conditions
just like Jacob. If He would do this…if
He would do that…THEN the Lord would be my God in this situation. Like Jacob, for the next three weeks I
wrestled and wrestled and struggled to bring anything of significance into my
time with God. But there was a ‘dislocation’
waiting for me to experience and I will never forget that day. As I was driving home from spending three
days with Mother at the beach, I remember hearing myself say out loud, ‘God,
you win…there you go, you win.’ And
right there in the car between sobs, I vowed to just let God be God and trust
Him for the consequences. Man, did He
deliver! But He didn’t deliver in the
way I had prayed. He gave me what I
needed instead of what I wanted. He made
me walk out the decision instead of sparing me from the experience. And the person who emerged from that journey
will never be the same… ‘You will no longer be Jacob.’
On the other side of that experience, I am a different
person. I am a woman who understands
that apart from God I can be nothing…do nothing…attain nothing of value. I am a woman who is fully aware that the
older I get the less I know. But what I
have learned from that experience and the work God did in my heart can never be
removed. When we withhold honesty from
God we set ourselves up for holy wrestling matches. He will allow us to roll around in our
bitterness…our stubbornness…our pride…our will.
But eventually in His great love He will show us that He is our God
through the means that will resonate deep within our hearts. There is nothing greater than to walk more
deeply with God through our wrestling with Him…it is worth the limp. ‘Mystery
is inherent in a long journey with God.
When you’re tempted to turn away from Him over unanswered questions,
turn toward Him instead and struggle honestly.
Wrestling with God can be its own form of intimacy. It’s face-to-face and hands on. And remember, if you’ll hang on long enough,
the blessing will come, and that wrestling match will turn into embrace.” The Quest, Beth Moore, p. 133.
“And he blessed him
there…The sun shone on him as he passed by…limping because of his hip” Gen
32:29b-31.
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