Spoiled Fruit

"Cain brought some fruits of the soil…But Abel brought fat portions from…the firstborn of his flock…So Cain was very angry, and his face was downcast….Then the LORD said…'If you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it’"Gen. 4:3-7.

At the time my sister was diagnosed with terminal cancer I had been studying the word of God and pursuing intimate and deeper fellowship with Him for a few years. My pursuit of God had become a daily passion as I realized how far I had to go. When my sister began her journey with cancer, it took on a ministry of its own, providing an example of faith and hope for all no matter what circumstances people faced. It was a time when God was highly honored, and faith revered. Beth’s grace inspired all to strive to attain the same grace. Her courage astonished everyone making us dream of possessing that same courage but praying we would never have to. People testified to her amazing responses of faith in her heartbreaking circumstances. I am not proud to admit that I had feelings like Cain but as it was included in the Bible, the feelings must be recognized as part of humanity. Over the course of eleven months, as cancer crept into new places in Beth’s body, jealousy crept into new places in my heart. I desired for the faith garment she wore to appear on my life. On some unconscious level I believe that my desire to display faith became greater than my desire to display God.

I remember the December morning when I came over to move her into the Hospice House. I was standing next to her watching her put on her makeup. We had packed up her things and as she looked at her face in the mirror she began to share with me one of the most disturbing realizations. Her peace was met with my horror as she explained that her daughter had emotionally moved away from her and was connecting more deeply with her dad. Beth’s words…'and that is okay’…still haunt my soul as a mother. That could never be okay except through the grace and power of God. Her explanation was not that Syd had done anything wrong but was rather praising God that He was preparing her daughter for what might lay ahead. (Beth never gave up hope for an earthly miracle.) ‘But Abel brought...portions from the firstborn of his flock…’ I cannot imagine the impact on God’s heart that day…what precious rewards that sacrifice must have stored up in Heaven for her…a true Abraham/Isaac moment.  The further I moved away from this experience, the more revelation God gave me. The sin of jealousy did creep in and crouch at the door of the heart. I was downcast and had allowed these feelings to master over me.

When we are trying to acquire the approval and praise of others, we are giving 'Cain' offerings to the LORD...spoiled fruit. But when we surrender those things most precious in our lives we are standing before God offering up sacrificial portions. I recognize the price Beth had to pay which was nothing to envy…it cost her everything...but the favor she is experiencing in Heaven is unparalleled to anything on earth. Beth never saw herself as faithful warrior and over-comer as so many others viewed her. She wore a garment of humility and grace when considering her faith, feeling unworthy of those titles others gave her.

Every heart is connected to the heart of God and that relationship is sacred and private. God never intended for us to measure ourselves against mankind, but rather against the Son who sacrificed everything. We must look to our own sacrifices that God is calling us to offer. Sacrifices look different for everyone, and many are hidden in the heart, but God honors and blesses every single one.