Finding My Floor

"Jesus wept." John 11:35

As Jesus looked over His beloved city He cried at the state of it. He understood the pain between what the city once was and the reality of how it had changed.

Over the past week it seems that tears have escaped from where they normally hide out more times than I expected. But being brave…faithful…determined I would cut them off and exhort myself to ‘be well with my soul.’ Even yesterday I used one of the few freedoms I still have…going to our community Italian restaurant and buying dinner hoping one of our favorite restaurants don’t go on their own ventilator. I walked in and was overwhelmed with the Clorox aroma where garlic and pizza are the norm. Tables cluttered with chairs atop them reminded me of the disarray of this season. There was one gentleman pressing the dough with a worried smile, while a young lady wearing latex gloves gave me a half-heartened nod. I left there with tears in my eyes, but the day was beautiful, so I reminded myself to ‘be well with my soul.’ But this morning, as I was scrolling through Facebook, I came upon a link from one of my former favorite teachers of a group of Nashville singers alternating stanzas from ‘It is Well.’ I began listening and with the first note, tears charged as if running to war…and then I remembered…we are in a war against a killer.

I decided this morning to choose this collection of sheltered-in self-made studio performances to finally find my floor. I feel like I’ve been free falling for 10 days and I’m ready to hit pavement …and I did with this song. We can’t stand back up and bravely face the days ahead without understanding the free fall is finished. It was an ugly cry…a cry that ushered in memories of wonderful 'it is well' moments. I allowed myself to 'go there.' I was once again that little daughter who finished getting ready for church and was sitting on the living room floor listening to Daddy play 'It is Well' on our piano. I was the sister laying beside the others hanging our legs out of the back window of the family's station wagon staring at the stars. I was the granddaughter painting my fingernails at my grandmother’s house when I was not allowed to at home. I was the friend in my bright pink bedroom with the canopy bed trying to squeeze in the wicker hanging chair with one of my best friends. I was the student passing a note to my best friend when I should have been listening to the teacher. I was the mommy who tucked her little children in watching them sleep with the glow of the nightlight on their cheeks. I was the wife sharing a pizza with Bruce at the restaurant laughing in the low light. I was the woman on Sunday at my church standing beside others with raised hands and worshiping hearts. I feel like revisiting these ‘it was well’ moments will give me the faith, endurance and patience to wait on my ‘it is well’ future.

We can’t get back up until something stops us from falling, and for me this morning it was a song shared by people who beautifully broke the fall. It’s okay to grieve during this time because we have lost a lot. It’s okay to cry over the blessings we use to have as long as we remember God still has a storehouse of blessings up ahead. It’s okay to be a little scared because even the disciples were frightened as their normal escaped them. When we bring all of our emotions to the feet of Jesus His hands are large enough to unloosen the knot. He alone will make it well in our soul. He alone is our Floor where comfort begins, and faith expands.